What Your Post-Adventure Beer Says About You

Melina Coogan
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With so many breweries to choose from here in Asheville, your choice of imbibition after a full day of mountainous endeavors is equivalent to a hoppy, malted Rorschach test. Here is a guide to what your post-adventure beer says about your personality. We think you’ll agree with us when we say—it’s shockingly accurate.

Asheville Brewing Company’s Ninja Porter


Melina Coogan

“Part stealth power, part pure secret.” That’s how the brewers at Asheville Brewing Company describe this rich, full-bodied porter, and deep down you’ve always felt the same about yourself. You’re a powerhouse! You take every alternate line at Bent Creek, you never miss a berm, and on rest days you like to “hit the pump track” at Kolo Bike Park to wind down. “You’ll sleep when your dead,” is your chosen epithet, and, should the day ever arrive, it will be carved onto your tombstone. Your Facebook profile features a rotating image gallery of you in a mud-soaked T-shirt slithering beneath a barbed wire fence and leaping over fire pits. You were also the first person to freewheel off a waterfall, but nobody believes you. Ever since then you’ve worn a GoPro at all times, and why not? Your every move is epic.

Twin Leaf’s Dark Matter Oatmeal Stout


Melina Coogan

You are a lone wolf, an elusive adventurer. You disappear for days on end into the Panthertown wilderness with only a can of tuna and your own shadowy secrets for company. Some claim they’ve spotted you running Big Boy on the Raven Fork in an open canoe, but these reports have never been verified. You’ve had Rocky Mountain spotted fever six times and never once shown a symptom. This beer is full bodied and slightly nutty; you’re broad-shouldered with a screw lose. Rumor has it you hold an advanced degree in quantum physics, but that’s probably just hearsay.

Twin Leaf’s Juicy Fruit IPA


Colton Vander Vliet

You are just the most positive and upbeat adventurer around town! Anything goes for you! Nothing beats a French Broad float on a scorching summer day, except maybe a quick jaunt to Black Balsam Knob to take in the heavenly view of the world’s oldest mountain range! Or a Max Patch picnic—now that’s the best! Churning up the logging road to Five Points at Bent Creek and coasting down at a safe, reasonable speed constitutes a big day of biking fun, and you’re more than happy to reward yourself with the bright bouquet of flavors in this fruity, floral IPA! Even if it’s the middle of the day! Because you’re just up for anything!

Wicked Weed’s Oblivion Sour Red


Wicked Weed’s finest, straight from the spout.

They say this beer is “dangerously easy drinking” and well, you’re just dangerous. You got kicked out of Dupont for playing around in Bridal Veil Falls. You can never go back to Cataloochee after that time you were caught ducking the ropes to The Meadow when there was only an inch of snow. You have been lost overnight at Pisgah on four separate occasions. The Oblivion Sour is brewed with 88 pounds of blackberries and 20 pounds of dried dates, and for this reason you consider it fruit juice. Never mind the fact that it has aged 8 months in cabernet wine barrels to achieve it’s sour, complex taste and 8.7 ABV, in your mind it’s healthy and hydrating, best consumed from the CamelBak as you bomb full speed down the Kitsuma descent.

Asheville Brewing Company’s Carolina Mountain Monster


You monster, you. Melina Coogan

If you’re standing at the bar in your Gore-Tex, chewing on a PowerBar and slamming a Carolina Mountain Monster, then you probably ate Pisgah’s notorious Clawhammer Trail for breakfast and followed it up with a hearty lunch of Horse Shoes and Hand Grenades at the Linville Gorge. You don’t have time for anything less than 12.5 percent ABV—you’re not the type to mess around and neither is this super-powered Imperial Stout. Now strap on your headlamp and get going, there’s still time to run the grueling Black Mountain Trail to the summit of Mt. Mitchell before your allotted nightly three hours of sleep.

PBR


Melina Coogan

If it’s four o’clock and you’re enjoying the diluted refreshment of a PBR, then you’re undoubtedly a kayaker, fresh off your sixth Green Run in so many days. You’re a bit short on cash as the money you made as a summer camp counselor in Brevard is drying up, so you’re hoping the nutritional value of your malt beverage suffices as a meal. You may live in Beer City, but you’re not drinking craft beer—not when you can crush five “Peebers” for the same price. Your interests include stomping, boofing, gnar-ing, praying for rain, and copiously referring to the river as “church.” Big Creek, Linville, and the Narrows are your staples, but the Ledges on the French Broad will do in a pinch—strictly for training purposes.

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